First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize