does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
