Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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