you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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