im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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