meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
