she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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