Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The uberlube is also flammable
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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