He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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