so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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