Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
