i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
