I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
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Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
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Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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