Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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