tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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