I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
