I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
