I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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