I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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