Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize