I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
