she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
