you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
