I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
