All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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