My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
