You're so nebulous sometimes
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
