also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My legs feel like baby dolphins
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
