while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
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There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
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Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
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