Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are