I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
