After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
