i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
