shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
