FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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