Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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