her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
