I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
