Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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