I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
