her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
