He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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