Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
