DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
