woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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