What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
