my phone needs a breathalizer
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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