i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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