Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
