i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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