dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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