mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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