He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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