His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
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When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
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It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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