I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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