make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
