you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
